keeping it real

Heather, over at teens and a toddler, sent me a very kind message mentioning she chose me as a recipient of this:

And, while I will display the button on my sidebar and while I will kind-of-sort-of participate in reciprocating, I need to say something in a full-disclosure-in-the-interest-of-honesty kind of way. 

My blog is here, and out there, for the selfish purpose of wanting my voice to be heard.  Because I sign on to my Google Reader several times daily so I can hear the voices of people out there who inspire me, motivate me, challenge me to be a better Person/Pancreas/Christian/Mom/Wife/Daughter/Friend/Sister.  Because I want to feel like I belong.

I don't blog for gaining followers or for income or even for comments, (although I admit I do love it when someone takes the time to do so) however, I totally admire those who are dedicating their time and talents to building a better blog.

All of this to say; thank you Heather for the 'award' and please forgive me for not following the acceptance rules according to the following:

As with anything else there are rules and the rules are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award. - done
2. Share 7 things about yourself.  - will do
3. Award 15 other bloggers.  - Anyone who has 7 things they want to say
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.  - consider this your invitation

This dreary, snowy, cold and dark Monday Morning, These 7 things are on my mind:

I AM TIRED



Of what?  Of having to be a make-shift-pancreas.  Of having a chronically ill child.  Of having to fight the insurance company.  Of having to watch Ellie take on a disease with no cure.  Of having to count every single fricken' carbohydrate she puts in her mouth.  Of having to plan out the day and look ahead when all I want to do is be in the moment.

I AM CONFUSED

One of my new purposes in life is educating others on about Type 1 Diabetes.  Education is power!  And, I believe educationis the first step in finding a cure.  I am confused, however, on how to give a quick and dirty explanation of what to answer when well-meaning people ask the million dollar question:

"How are you guys doing?"

I have struggled with answering this question in 600 words or less.  I did, however, find a wonderful way of describing things while reading Sfincham's Blog post about 'the subject of sleep'.  About 2/3 down the page, she mentions trying to get an insulin dose correct and refers to it as a 'moving target'.  :: light bulb moment :: 

"Living with Type 1 Diabetes is like trying to hit a moving target.  Not just once, but over and over, 24 hours a day."

I AM SCARED

I recently learned from another T1 parent that even if Ellie is able to hit that moving target more often than not, she still has a VERY high likelihood of having c-o-m-p-l-i-c-a-t-i-o-n-s.  As a mom, this is terrifying.  No one wants this for their child.

I AM OVERLY SENSITIVE

I have become overly sensitive, and I don't like it one little bit.  Overly sensitive to the inflections in Ellie's voice.  Overly sensitive to family members' well intentions.  Overly sensitive to Dr.'s questions.  Overly sensitive to food and food choices.  Overly sensitive to people's opinions of me.  Even overly sensitive to physical touch.  I am on high alert and it is getting 'old'.

I AM FAILING

I am failing in my promise to not be an overweight mother to a T1 diabetic daughter.  Ellie will be fighting prejudices about her disease her entire life, especially about her weight.  If she is skinny, people will wonder how/why she has 'diabetes' if she isn't overweight.  If she is overweight, people will assume she is 'diabetic' because she isn't skinny.  (Using the term 'diabetes' as a catch-all for all types and assuming the current social indifference)  It is something I decided very early on that I didn't want to add to Ellie's fight.  I want to be a good example for her and for her disease.  If I can't follow a healthy lifestyle, why should anyone expect Ellie to?  I have actually gained weight since her diagnosis.  Why?  Because food is where I run to for comfort, and I have been needing LOTS of comfort lately.

I AM HUMBLED

I am humbled God chose me to be Ellie's mom.  I don't deserve it and I am certainly not worthy, but I will overcome the 'list' above through prayer and thankfulness.  If He believes in me, I will defeat my confusion, fears, sensitivity and failures through His never ending love and support.  I will work through my doubts and struggles because God has promised to walk beside me, in front of me, behind me and to even carry me when I don't believe I can take another step.  

I AM GRATEFUL

Even though I don't want to be, I am officially a card-carrying member of the diabetic online community (DOC) and I am grateful.  Grateful for parents of children with diabetes and people living with diabetes themselves sharing their voices so freely and openly so I don't feel alone.  Community is a powerful force and through it a collective demand for a cure WILL be heard.  I am thankful to have the opportunity to share my voice.

I will continue to pray and continue to read and continue to fight.  I will also continue my resolution to choose JOY in 2011.  For today, however, I might just go back to bed for awhile because I do hear it calling me.