relinquishing control

artwork by nataliedee.com ~ words by me

A challenge was presented during our small-group night at church, last Wednesday. We were asked to spend our devotional time for the next week focusing on one specific message or theme we felt God was directing us towards.

LISTEN for what God is guiding us, as individuals, to change or pursue or to work out.

I believe God's message for me began settling in my heart and mind immediately. When we were asked for prayer requests, I said I needed help discerning when I *think* I can control my emotions . . like when I am feeling overwhelmed. In other words, do I give up on a bad or sad mood too quickly (accepting the black cloud and doing the bare minimum to get through the day) without asking God for direction or guidance?

The answer is yes. I give in to the emotion, micromanage the things I have to get done, then fall into bed. Even though I *feel* out of control, I am really just trying to control the situation to match and feed my feelings.

artwork by nataliedee.com ~ words by me

I prayed and meditated on these thoughts throughout the next couple of days. I began to feel more and more convicted of my need to control, and repented to God all the ways and situations I could recall 'taking the reigns' without asking Him for guidance.

I specifically asked God to help me relinquish control in situations where I feel I need to meet MY needs before I move on to help others . . . which is, sadly, too often.

God was good and presented a situation for me to relinquish control the very next day! (sarcasm here . . . I was not too happy to begin letting go so soon).

I trust in Him, in His plans for me, and His purpose in placing people in my life to walk with me during this life on earth.

BUT . . . . .

Now? You want me to give up control of THIS? (finances. Yep, hand the spreadsheets over)

The answer was y-e-s. Complete release and with a grateful heart.

So I did.

And you know what? My heart WAS grateful and WAS filled with joy for letting go . . . relinquishing control.

Original drawing by Maddi ~ words added by me

The message continued last night during an evening education session at church. The title of the lesson was "When Grace Doesn't Seem Amazing" and one of the sub-points was "You Are Not in Control" or "Hey Amy, You Had Better Sit Up, Take Notes, and Listen Vvveeerrryyy Carefully to This Part"

- "One of the most dangerous delusions for each of us is the delusion of our own sovereignty. And one of our most dangerous idols is the idol of control. If we spend our days trying to establish our sovereignty and our control, then we have not yet learned to rest in the Lord's control" ~ Paul Tripp

Alright Lord, I hear you loud and clear. I will unclench my fists and release the pressure . . . relinquish control. Let it fall away from me as I take a big step back. When my hands are open and empty, my knees firm on the ground, I will receive your word and direction. Accept it without question. These things I will do over and over until I have nothing left to let go.  

This process will take me some time, however. You see Father, you also gave me a daughter with T1D . . . . I still have LOTS of control issues to work through with this one. Please be patient!

by and by

Has it really been a month since my last post?

Oh my.

And, have I really not commented on any of your posts in the last month?

Oh, oh my.

Please forgive me. I have been busy being 'off the grid' with homeschooling and the huge overhauls that come with being with your children 24/7.

Allow me to 'ease' back into the groove of blogging with a few updates and a few comments to recent posts. Baby steps, if you will.

- Homeschooling is turning out to be everything I hoped it would be, and kiddos agree. It did take a couple of weeks to adjust to being around each other all the time and learn how to switch our roles from parent/child to teacher/student and back again, about 349 times a day. I think we are all developing multiple personalities and as long as we all get along I am fine with the extra attendance . . . we do need to start assigning names to all these personas so we know who we are dealing with and when, however.





- Ellie has been podding with the Ominpod insulin pump for six weeks and I think I can speak for her and say it it pure awschumness!! So far she has worn the pod on the back of her arms, her tummy and top of her bum cheeks.

We have experienced both a blocked cannula (on the third day within hours of a site change) and defective pods (not beeping when filled with insulin during a site change) but other than that, we have gotten the full 72 hours out of each pod.

While Ellie's blood sugars still fluctuate quite a bit, we are noticing less of the extreme highs or lows. Before podding, Ellie would experience 6-8 hyperglycemic episodes a week. In addition, before podding, we were rarely correcting a high blood sugar unless she was going to eat. Now, Ellie is having only 1-2 lows a week and correcting highs are a breeze with just a push of a button.

Our quarterly endocrinologist appointment is on Wednesday so we are anxious and excited to see if her a1c shows improvement as well as see if her 'rollarcoaster' numbers have lost some of their 'wwweeeeeeee' factor.



- in other news, autumn is here and I am l-o-v-i-n-g every second of the cooler temperatures, lower humidity and color changing plant life. Fall is my favorite time of year and I feel blessed to home with the kids this year so we can get out an enjoy as much time outdoors before old man winters chase us inside.




This week will be busy but I want to get back into a more regular blogging routine. I am not desperate enough to make a to-do list (I try to avoid making lists because they drive me mad!) but I will ask my 'organized personality' . . . let's call her Fanny . . . to keep me accountable to my tasks.

Enjoy the day and take time for a deep breath of autumn air, wherever you are!

oh. my. lantus.

First of all, I want to express a HUGE 'thank you' to all the wonderful comments and supportive sentiments regarding our homeschooling curriculum.  You all are so encouraging and such a positive influence in my life.

And boy do I need love and encouragement today, because

Oh. My. Lantus. 

(Another great phrase from my friend, Ceesa.  It replaced OMG in just about every situation.  Do YOU have a 'Ceesa' in your life?  If you don't, I recommend finding one and hanging on tight)

I will begin at the end of this tale because the beginning is too long ago to correctly recall.

Ellie is officially 'live with insulin' with an Omnipod pump . . . TODAY!!!!!  Or, 5 hours at this point.

Notice I didn't say "OUR" Omnipod pump?  Yeah.  About that.

Our insurance gave the green light verbally after we submitted our paperwork 30 (thirty!) days ago.

We have done our part.  Ellie completed the week-long saline trial and our Endocrinologist's office was on top of the requested documentation.

Omnipod was on top of things and did what they could in response to our insurance company's many requests.

Yet, here we are today, pumping with insulin on the Dr.'s office loaner Omnipod pump.  The same one we took home for the saline trial.

Why?

Because the insurance company is a piece of ($*%&^#*( work.  A business who doesn't care who my daughter is or why she wants a better T1D management system.

So we have to prove it by flooding them with doctor certifications, proof of training calenders, blood sugar logs, carb counts, plans of actions and payment plans.  Really?

Okey-Dokey then.  I will play along nicely until I just can't anymore, or they approve and send out OUR pump . . . . whichever comes first. 

I really don't have time to be mad, anyway.  The learning curve on pumping and the zig/zag nature of T1D will have me busy enough. 

Oh yeah, and our first day of homeschool is t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w. 

I'd say this is a pretty good representation on my inner self today.  Anyone else feeling this way, too?

on belay

Amazing how a "couple of days" away from the blog (since I posted everyday in July) quickly turn into e-l-e-v-e-n days.  Even I cannot stretch the definition of a 'couple' to include eleven.   

I will, however, provide a definition to my title phrase; on belay. 

      Belaying is one of the most important climbing skills you will learn and 

     master in the indoor climbing gym. Belaying is the basis of climbing

     safety, of ensuring both your and your partner’s safety. Belaying, simply

     put, is a simple process of holding the rope and the climber in the event of

     a fall. The rope links both the climber and the belayer together in a safety

     partnership, allowing the climber to fall without fear of hitting the ground

     and suffering injury or worse.  (source)

"F-E-A-R" 

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real.

So real that my mind is 'on delay' as a safety measure to prevent catastrophic anxiety attacks.

What do I fear?

~ hitting the ground and not getting back up

~ failure to educate my children to standards

~ my father requiring more help than I feel I can give

~ type one diabetes winning (2 young girls dies this week from t1d)

~ retreating inside my head and missing what is real

What is False?  My perceptions and interpretations of these situations.  I am looking at one piece to the entire puzzle and attempting to see the big picture.

What is Evidence?  My ears and eyes catching bits and pieces of the whole conversation, sending those tiny pieces to my brain for processing - then spit out jumbled with personal emotions. 

What is Appearing?  When I allow my mind to go 'on delay', appearances are deceiving.  They are self-serving.  They are skewed to reflect what I can mentally process.

What is Real?  My sin of fearing ANYTHING but the Lord. 


~ He knows when I fall (He probably pushed me down to teach me a lesson!) and will reach down to pull me up.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33


~ He placed in my heart a desire to educate my children at home and He will provide all I need in His perfect timing; not mine.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."  Proverbs 22:6


~ He is waiting for my father to acknowledge Him. 

"For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father"  Romans 8:14-15


~ He made my daughter perfectly, WITH type one diabetes.  A disease doesn't 'win' and He has promised a purpose for Ellie

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11


~ He tells me what is real, and it is NOT the voices inside my head.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths"  Proverbs 3:5-6

Being 'on belay' is trusting God with all your heart and all your mind . . . . even when (especially when!) your mind is 'on delay'.

who am i

I thought you all might need a little breather from the vacation photos, so today I will provide a pictureless post  ::gasp::  and share a little bit about myself.

*I am only doing this because Lora did something similar and today I don't have too much time to blog because we are painting Ellie's room.


1.  If you were stranded on a tropical island what 2 things would you want with you?

A community and food.

2.  What is the first thing you notice about someone when you first meet?

How tall they are . . . . I am just shy of 5 feet and I notice these things! 

3.  If you where running for office what would your campaign slogan be?

Your Plan B!
4.  What was your favorite book growing up?

I refuse to answer this with one title.  I loved to read as a child and I love to read now.  I do remember being really into the Boxcar Children and I adored Little Women.

5.  What city in America should not be included on a map, why?

Huh?  That is a very strange question.  Oh wait!  Nowhere, USA

6.  What compliment do people give you the most?

"Wow!  You can really ____________ "

7.  What word would you add to the dictionary if you could, what would it mean?

awschum ~ so much better than awesome

8.  What product would you refuse to promote?

anything that promotes laziness

9.  What is your favorite pet’s name?

'Go' for a dog.  "Gooooo, come here Go.  Go........Stay!  Sit, Go"  Hahahahaha

10.  Use one word to describe your computer ability?

meh

11.  If your plane was about to crash, who would you want sitting next to you?

David Copperfield . . . . . because he could make the place disappear!

12.  Which of the presidents was your favorite?

the smart one ;)

13.  How long of a consecutive time have you spent in a car?

maybe 9 hours?  Does this include motohomes?  How does this question tell you anything about me?  Why am I asking you?

14.  What is your favorite Halloween costume?

homemade and snarky

15.  How can you tell if some one is a nerd?

they are rich


Feel like you know me better now?  I thought this questionnaire was so-so.  I only had a small amount of time to Google 'ice breaker questions' and this is what I went with.  Next time I will find better questions and answer them more thoughtfully.

And, this is soooooooo hard to write a post without a photo or clip art or something other than words!  A true challenge.  Huh.  I wonder what THAT says about me?

Happy 4th of July to all my U.S.A friends and family!!!! 

what if

Since I rarely have a time where my brain is rooted in the moment, I thought I might share some of my "what if . . . . " thoughts.

And yes, I will try really hard to work on this that there problem.  Tomorrow


what if . . . .

. . . . . my babies never got bigger?  I would chomp on chubs ALL DAY LONG!

what if . . . . 

photo credit

. . . . I was a 1950's housewife?  I would wear the heck out of those pumps while doing dishes.

what if . . . .

diagram credit

. . . . I won the lottery?  I would donate $1,460,000 to support Life for a Child for one year (4,000 children in 26 countries. $1 a day per child provides the medical needs for diabetic care) 

what if . . . .

photo credit



. . . . this were my laundry room?  I know I would find excuses to wash clothes.

what if . . . .

. . . . there weren't people who wrote and directed and made this scene?  I wouldn't appreciate all the beauty in the world.

what if . . . .

photo credit

. . . . Ellie's pancreas wouldn't have pooped out?  I would never have had the chance to play one. 

As in "I am not a real pancreas.  I just act like one so my daughter doesn't have to"  ;)

still here

I am present, but not here

I see, but am not aware

I feel, but do not experience

I hear, but do not comprehend

I speak, but do not convey a point

I move, but never to far

I want, but do not desire

.
.

.

.

.

.

So I will pray for the fog to lift so I can participate in all the joys (& sorrows) that are just outside my reach.

it sucked and then i cried

Yesterday was rough. 

So rough I had to borrow the title to my post today from a book I read.

So rough I even considered NOT writing about it.

But, how will I get these feelings out if I don't put them to 'paper'?

So.

Dave and I had to make a tough decision about our buddy-cat, George.

George; who had been with us since before we were married.

George; who had been the constant in an ever changing family.

George; our 'little old man', needed us to help him rest.

So.

We made an appointment a week ago and told each other we would cancel it if something didn't feel right.

Then we told Maddi in order to giver her some time to digest the news.

Then we waited and watched while George make his world smaller and smaller.

Then the day came and we told Ellie and Ben; said our goodbyes.

So.

I took George to the vet, praying out loud to Jesus to stop me if I wasn't making the right decision.

Unfortunately I arrived for the appointed time.

I told George I loved him.

I told George 'thank you' for being such a good friend.

His eyes were locked with mine as he left his old failing body behind.

It sucked and then I cried

loose lips

Day 2 of summer vacation and these are just a few of the phrases that I heard myself utter .......... all before 11:30am

"Stop yelling my name and come and find me!"

"If you want clean clothes I have to do laundry.  To do laundry I must be free from doing something else for you.  Do you want clean clothes?"

"I will come and wipe your butt in a minute."

"George threw up where?"

"Close. The. Front. Door."

"You are old enough to ....... (insert action)"

"Who used the last of the toilet paper?"

"Why are you dressed in layers and long pants?  Dude.  It's summer."

"No, you may not eat Milk Duds at 9:43am."

"If you are going to come in here and tattle on someone, there had better be blood involved."

"Everything in the living room is going in the trash if it is not picked up in 5 minutes.  GO!!!!!!!"

"George pooped where?"

"No, you may not have Milk Duds at 10:17am"



Ahhhhhhhhhhh.  I love summer break.

always there for you

The Bad News: I am not the new PTO President

The Good News:  I stayed true to myself

The Bad News:  I felt sorry enough for myself to go and get ice cream

The Good News:  I only ate 1/8 of the pint instead of the entire pint

The Bad News: The remaining 7/8 is sitting in my freezer, waiting for me to fall

The Good News:  I can get back up without the help of B & J

The Bad News:  My work is just beginning and I will fall so many times I will be bleeding and bruised

The Good News:  I will not now, nor ever be broken, for I am saved.

gratefulness heavy on my heart

Gratefulness is weighing heavy on my heart today, so I will lighten the load by sharing a few things I am most thankful for:

•  The arrival of Spring;  the colors, the smells, the sounds and the possibilities

•  My children showing me the amazing ability to adapt to lifestyle changes

•  My husband proving to me everything will be okay

•  Kneading bread and knowing by feel when it is ready to go to rise

•  My forever sisters

•  The community I am a part of who believe in the importance of the best education for our children

•  Advil, Paxil and good chocolate.  For without these three, I am unable to be grateful for anything.

conversations with myself

Me: Girl, you need to figure out why you are having so many 'blue' days.

Self: But, I have always had my share of 'blue' days. It runs in my family ..... in the genes, man. I even take medication for the worse of it! Why do I need to analyze anything?

Me: Because, my dear, you are having more sad days then usual. Life is good, stress is kind of low, the kids are healthy, you are doing what you want to be doing; so ..............

Self: I know. Maybe I am not getting enough sunshine. It has been a cold and relatively dark winter so far this year. Also, now that I am not coaching little people to tumble I am not moving around as much. Come to think of it, I haven't even been exercising! And, I've been eating crappy foods! By gosh, I think all that might have something to do with my lack of happy cells!

Me: Now you are getting someplace. See? Self evaluations are good! What can you do now, today, to make yourself feel better.

Self: Book a trip to an all inclusive macrobiotic exercise and message spa in California?

Me: No.

Self: Call Jenny Craig?

Me: No.

Self: Sign up for a gym membership with a tanning package?

Me: Ugh. How about getting your arse in some winter clothing and go OUTSIDE your door and walk?

POTD: 13/365

Self: Okay, okay ........ I'm going.

questions

• Why does the coffee maker slow down when I need that cup of goodness right NOW?!

• How is it possible I can feel so much joy and the next moment be drowning in darkness?

• Why is my body changing as fast now as it did in puberty?

• How is it food tastes better when eaten with my best friend?

• Why do I miss someone who doesn't speak, smile or even recognize me yet?

• When did the tables turn to parenting my parents?

• Why are things made now so inferior to things made years ago?

• How can I inspire my children to reach for their dreams if I don't show them how?

• When did my children loose their 'baby' smell? I mean, exactly when?

• Where did my oldest child's wisdom and creative spirit come from?

• Why did I not realize sooner the value of a great girlfriend relationship?

• What changed to make us a society concerned so much with consumption?

I hope I never stop asking questions. Inspiration lies in the answers. I think my coffee might be ready now.