the post I haven't wanted to post

If you have a blog or a journal or a diary, I will venture to guess you have some entries you wrote in the past that you cringe over when reading today.  I have LOTS and LOTS of these kinds of entries, but am thankful for every last one of them because they help document my thoughts and beliefs at the time.  And, everybody say it out loud now, WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER YOU DO BETTER!

So, in order for me to move forward, I need to take a moment and go back to make peace with a few decisions I have made in the past.

FIRST:  Today marks 6 months since I have had a cigarette.  ::insert head hanging in shame::  This decision haunts me the most, because I DID know better, and kept the behavior the same because I was too weak to be without my crutch.  Too weak to believe I deserved better for myself.  Certainly I knew those around me deserved more than seeing their wife and mom do something dangerous.  And, of course I told my kids smoking was bad for you and bad for me and I would stop as soon as I could muster up the strength to do so. Even an email dated 02/06/08 from my daughter couldn't motivate me to quit.

"I was watching a show and they where talking about how bad smoking is for you and it has been bothering me  madison'  

But I did save the email.  And, over time, I gathered up enough courage to say "enough".   WYKBYDB ....... even if it takes some time.

SECOND:  I wrote this post back on 10/14/09 about making school lunches on the cheap.  At the time, I was extremely proud of how I was being frugal and helping out our family budget by spending so little.  While I am still proud of being frugal, I am NOT so proud of what I was putting in those lunches:

     - store brand, preservative filled peanut butter and jelly
     - the cheapest 'wheat' bread I could find (which included a list of horribly long, chemically laded ingredients)
     - Jello.  Yes I made it, but the amount of sugar and food dyes are ridiculous.
     - potato chips which have no nutritional value
     - juice.  Kool-Aid people (store brand, of course).  Why wasn't I giving them water????

Ack.  Just plain 'ole Ack.  Now I spend at least double the amount of money on the kids' school lunches, but I am sending them off with MUCH healthier foods.  Granted, my intent was good then, and my intent is good now, but the difference makes me shudder.  WYKBYDB

THIRD:  Don't start what you can't finish ...... or at least don't blog about it.  My post(s) about 29 gifts in 29 days were well intended, but as I look back on those words I question my reason for wanting to share all the details.  Certainly I was receiving gifts just as quickly as I was giving them away ........ ::ding, ding::  this the point of the journey.  Now, however, I realize I should have taken that challenge in silence.  Leaving it off of the written page.  The meaning and purpose of the challenge was lost by the bragging that inevitably took place when telling someone else about your 'good deed'.  WYKBYDB

These are just a few of the things my mind has been stuck on righting.  Similar to Writer's Block ......... just as necessary to address so you can move on.

So, here I am now ......... moving on.


Football & Fried Rice said...

Look at you, dealing with your baggage.

commendable, even though i know that's not what you are looking for :)

i have to say, i've been a "crutch" person all my life. it's always been something - whether it was food, alcohol, cigarettes, friends. I was always looking for something to fill that void in my life.

And then I met Jesus.

And things were really, really good for a long time.I stood on top of that mountain shouting, "I've seen the light!" & "do you want to meet the One who saved me?"

I never imagined that satan would be such a crafty fellow and would still continue to pursue me - even harder. Didn't he know that I belonged to God? what was the point? Once I became a member of God's family, nothing could snatch me from His hand. Not even sin.

It took me some time to discover that even though satan knows we belong to God, he still loves to see us fail. miserably. he loves to see us disappoint our kids, make mistakes, sin and he especially loves it that our behavior can prevent others from coming to know Jesus Christ as their Savior.

It's a fight. Every day is a battle - not for our souls - they are sealed! It's a battle for US to fight our flesh and become more like Him.

Happy to call you my sister,


p.s. I smoked for TEN years! TEN!!! Even after I met Jesus & knew that I didn't need to hide behind the mask of addiction! It was 14 months of battling the flesh before I laid it down for the last time. That was almost five years ago!

Amy said...

Sara ...... thank you. For your words, for your sharing of your struggles, for your hope, for your light.

Congrats to you for being smoke free for 5 years!!!!! Awesomness.

I believe quitting smoking left me with a BIG void to fill, and you were part of the journey leading me to my Savior. I wouldn't have had the room for HIM in my life until I let go of the addiction; and I wouldn't have searched had you not made Him sound worth searching for.