who am i

I thought you all might need a little breather from the vacation photos, so today I will provide a pictureless post  ::gasp::  and share a little bit about myself.

*I am only doing this because Lora did something similar and today I don't have too much time to blog because we are painting Ellie's room.


1.  If you were stranded on a tropical island what 2 things would you want with you?

A community and food.

2.  What is the first thing you notice about someone when you first meet?

How tall they are . . . . I am just shy of 5 feet and I notice these things! 

3.  If you where running for office what would your campaign slogan be?

Your Plan B!
4.  What was your favorite book growing up?

I refuse to answer this with one title.  I loved to read as a child and I love to read now.  I do remember being really into the Boxcar Children and I adored Little Women.

5.  What city in America should not be included on a map, why?

Huh?  That is a very strange question.  Oh wait!  Nowhere, USA

6.  What compliment do people give you the most?

"Wow!  You can really ____________ "

7.  What word would you add to the dictionary if you could, what would it mean?

awschum ~ so much better than awesome

8.  What product would you refuse to promote?

anything that promotes laziness

9.  What is your favorite pet’s name?

'Go' for a dog.  "Gooooo, come here Go.  Go........Stay!  Sit, Go"  Hahahahaha

10.  Use one word to describe your computer ability?

meh

11.  If your plane was about to crash, who would you want sitting next to you?

David Copperfield . . . . . because he could make the place disappear!

12.  Which of the presidents was your favorite?

the smart one ;)

13.  How long of a consecutive time have you spent in a car?

maybe 9 hours?  Does this include motohomes?  How does this question tell you anything about me?  Why am I asking you?

14.  What is your favorite Halloween costume?

homemade and snarky

15.  How can you tell if some one is a nerd?

they are rich


Feel like you know me better now?  I thought this questionnaire was so-so.  I only had a small amount of time to Google 'ice breaker questions' and this is what I went with.  Next time I will find better questions and answer them more thoughtfully.

And, this is soooooooo hard to write a post without a photo or clip art or something other than words!  A true challenge.  Huh.  I wonder what THAT says about me?

Happy 4th of July to all my U.S.A friends and family!!!! 

good intentions

I could sum up this week with the phrase; "Well, I had good intentions!"  Don't we all, really?  Let's recap:

Monday - I offered to give a ride home from school to one of my friend's daughter since Mom was off sipping umbrella drinks on a beach.  Hey, it's her honeymoon . . . . I wasn't too jealous.  I arrived early but somehow got stuck in the slow lane and the daughter gave up on me and walked home instead.  "Well, I had good intentions!"

Tuesday - A day set aside for me and my sidekick, Ceesa, to road trip.  This is when I turn into Thelma and she, Louise.  We hop in one of our miniature vans and pinkie swear to be silly and care free.  It had been so long since we made time for each other, however, that we had too much to catch up on and not enough highway.  I tried my best and took the camera along so you can see for yourself:

1.  Workmen looking down a sewer hole.  I found it funny at the time?

2.  Ceesa's :: ahem, I mean Louise's :: husband forgot his cell phone so we stopped by his office to deliver it.  Look, He's a Husker fan!

3.  Me with a 1 pound bar of chocolate at Trader Joe's.  Not purchased.

4.  A stop by the Apple store at the mall for a new power cord.  These floating app cards made me smile.

5.  Louise's favorite store; Walgreen's.  She states you can find anything and everything you would ever need at this place.  Challenge?!

6.  Big thumbs down to the spice store, Penzey's.  Neither of us had been to the place so we were excited about a new find.  Unfortunately our noses wrinkled and our heads snapped back with most of the samples.  Maybe the spices were stale?

Somewhere in the middle of all that we stopped at Panera's for lunch.  I ordered their new Thai chopped chicken salad.  It tasted fine, but later in the evening my digestive system decided it didn't like the Thai salad and my headache proved the spices in the store too much.  I felt pretty yucky for about 24 hours.  Hhhhhmmmmm.  "Well, I had good intentions!"

Wednesday - The calendar said I was to do housework and then meet a couple of D-mom's for coffee to go over some 504 Plan examples.  Ben's high fever and cough swiped my plans clean off the table and I switched roles to comfort my sick little man.  "Well, I had good intentions!"

Thursday - Ahhhhhhh.  My morning to meet with my favorite JG's (Jesus Girls) and spend the morning in fellowship and prayer for our school aged kids (MITI). The coffee is awesome and one of the gals just had a baby boy 'squee'  whom I love to snuggle. Then I was scheduled to go to Ceesa's home to watch the intro to a Beth Moore bible study we decided to get in on . . . . Daniel:  Lives of Integrity, Words of Prophecy.  Guess what!  Yep.  Ben still sick.  My prayers were in solitude this day.  "Well, I had good intentions!"

Friday - Finally!  A day to grocery shop, catch up on laundry, open the windows and clear out the sicky germs.  AND, a reschedule of Wednesday's meet-up for coffee and D-talk.  Um . . . . Kaploey!  Ben. is. still. sick.  "Well, I had good intentions!"

The good news is Ben is on the mend and the ugly virus finally released it's grip in him.  The not so good news is I felt trapped in world of repeat, much like a record skipping on the same track. 

The good news is it is Friday and my handsome side-kick will be home shortly to give me a much needed respite from sick care.  The not so great news is the house is in such a disarray it will take all hands on deck to whip it back into shape.

The good news is a fresh new week is on the horizon.  The not so great news is I will be spending it on  . . . . . . JURY DUTY!!!!

decisions, decisions.

First, here are the survey results for Ellie's JDRF Walk for the Cure 2010 team name:

54% of you all thought 'Ellie's Elinators' was the best choice for a team name, with 'Team E-Rae' in a close second.  I loved that some of you took the time to make a suggestion!  The feedback was just awesome.

So, the name we chose???????

None of the above.

What?  Why?  Are you kidding me?

Well, it just kind of happened that we came up with a combo of all the great ideas and votes ;)

:: drum roll please ::

And we also have a T-shirt design in the works, seeing as how our JDRF chapter awards $5,000 to the team with the best design.  I can't divulge the entire idea since it is still in the development stage, but I can give you a hint:

photo credit

Yep.  Something to do with bacon.    MMMMMmmmmmmm bacon. 

keeping it real

Heather, over at teens and a toddler, sent me a very kind message mentioning she chose me as a recipient of this:

And, while I will display the button on my sidebar and while I will kind-of-sort-of participate in reciprocating, I need to say something in a full-disclosure-in-the-interest-of-honesty kind of way. 

My blog is here, and out there, for the selfish purpose of wanting my voice to be heard.  Because I sign on to my Google Reader several times daily so I can hear the voices of people out there who inspire me, motivate me, challenge me to be a better Person/Pancreas/Christian/Mom/Wife/Daughter/Friend/Sister.  Because I want to feel like I belong.

I don't blog for gaining followers or for income or even for comments, (although I admit I do love it when someone takes the time to do so) however, I totally admire those who are dedicating their time and talents to building a better blog.

All of this to say; thank you Heather for the 'award' and please forgive me for not following the acceptance rules according to the following:

As with anything else there are rules and the rules are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award. - done
2. Share 7 things about yourself.  - will do
3. Award 15 other bloggers.  - Anyone who has 7 things they want to say
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.  - consider this your invitation

This dreary, snowy, cold and dark Monday Morning, These 7 things are on my mind:

I AM TIRED



Of what?  Of having to be a make-shift-pancreas.  Of having a chronically ill child.  Of having to fight the insurance company.  Of having to watch Ellie take on a disease with no cure.  Of having to count every single fricken' carbohydrate she puts in her mouth.  Of having to plan out the day and look ahead when all I want to do is be in the moment.

I AM CONFUSED

One of my new purposes in life is educating others on about Type 1 Diabetes.  Education is power!  And, I believe educationis the first step in finding a cure.  I am confused, however, on how to give a quick and dirty explanation of what to answer when well-meaning people ask the million dollar question:

"How are you guys doing?"

I have struggled with answering this question in 600 words or less.  I did, however, find a wonderful way of describing things while reading Sfincham's Blog post about 'the subject of sleep'.  About 2/3 down the page, she mentions trying to get an insulin dose correct and refers to it as a 'moving target'.  :: light bulb moment :: 

"Living with Type 1 Diabetes is like trying to hit a moving target.  Not just once, but over and over, 24 hours a day."

I AM SCARED

I recently learned from another T1 parent that even if Ellie is able to hit that moving target more often than not, she still has a VERY high likelihood of having c-o-m-p-l-i-c-a-t-i-o-n-s.  As a mom, this is terrifying.  No one wants this for their child.

I AM OVERLY SENSITIVE

I have become overly sensitive, and I don't like it one little bit.  Overly sensitive to the inflections in Ellie's voice.  Overly sensitive to family members' well intentions.  Overly sensitive to Dr.'s questions.  Overly sensitive to food and food choices.  Overly sensitive to people's opinions of me.  Even overly sensitive to physical touch.  I am on high alert and it is getting 'old'.

I AM FAILING

I am failing in my promise to not be an overweight mother to a T1 diabetic daughter.  Ellie will be fighting prejudices about her disease her entire life, especially about her weight.  If she is skinny, people will wonder how/why she has 'diabetes' if she isn't overweight.  If she is overweight, people will assume she is 'diabetic' because she isn't skinny.  (Using the term 'diabetes' as a catch-all for all types and assuming the current social indifference)  It is something I decided very early on that I didn't want to add to Ellie's fight.  I want to be a good example for her and for her disease.  If I can't follow a healthy lifestyle, why should anyone expect Ellie to?  I have actually gained weight since her diagnosis.  Why?  Because food is where I run to for comfort, and I have been needing LOTS of comfort lately.

I AM HUMBLED

I am humbled God chose me to be Ellie's mom.  I don't deserve it and I am certainly not worthy, but I will overcome the 'list' above through prayer and thankfulness.  If He believes in me, I will defeat my confusion, fears, sensitivity and failures through His never ending love and support.  I will work through my doubts and struggles because God has promised to walk beside me, in front of me, behind me and to even carry me when I don't believe I can take another step.  

I AM GRATEFUL

Even though I don't want to be, I am officially a card-carrying member of the diabetic online community (DOC) and I am grateful.  Grateful for parents of children with diabetes and people living with diabetes themselves sharing their voices so freely and openly so I don't feel alone.  Community is a powerful force and through it a collective demand for a cure WILL be heard.  I am thankful to have the opportunity to share my voice.

I will continue to pray and continue to read and continue to fight.  I will also continue my resolution to choose JOY in 2011.  For today, however, I might just go back to bed for awhile because I do hear it calling me.

a near-costly-miss

One of the very fun things about being the mother of a child with a chronic disease is figuring our how to get the most medicine and supplies out of a thin wallet.  When I first began researching diabetic supplies, I found quite the variety of both kinds and price points.  While I would love to go off on a tangent about the fat cat companies making big bucks off a fricken' test strip, I will refrain in order to keep the language of this site PG . . . ish.

My research revealed the lowest cost available was through our insurance provider's 90 day mail order service.  I pay the same for a three month supply through the mail as a one month supply through our local pharmacy.  Perfect, right?  Sort of.  What you save in money you pay for in time and s-t-r-e-s-s.

An example of filling a single prescription

1.  Call the 800 number, listen carefully to the menu, take a stab in the dark at what option you need, then press the # button repeatedly until you get a representative on the line.

2.  Explain you would like to set up a new mail order prescription.

3.  Try to make clear why your 8yo daughter cannot order her own supplies.  Repeat over and over until the nice lady stops asking to speak with the person who needs the prescriptions filled.

4.  Give the rep all of the necessary information, listen to her repeat the information and confirm the order is right.

5.  Hop on the computer so you can track the order to completion and see when it will ship.

6.  Scratch your head in wonder as the order sits in 'pending status' for days.

7.  Call the 800 number again and repeat steps 1-5. 

8.  Call your endo's office, beg and plead for them to call the 800 number to

speed things along. 

9.  Repeat step 5.

10.  Begin to adjust the budget in order to pay full price for some insulin as your daughter's is now getting very low and you thought this process would be complete by now!

11.  Repeat steps 1-4, hop on the computer and and sing with joy as the status updated to 'approved'.

12.  Pray

13.  Hop on the computer and practically pass out with glee to see the package is on it's way!!!!

14.  Stalk the FedEx website and watch the package make it's way to your front door.

15.  Tear open the box as if you are 5 years old and opening a Christmas present.

16.  Gather the children around so everyone can play with the dry ice and bubble wrap.  Wow!  I never knew insulin was shipped temperature sensitive!

Time from first phone call to deliver = 9 days.

I make a mental note of the time it took to save all that money and decide to start the ball rolling a little bit earlier for next time.

Fast forward to the Monday before Christmas.  I need to re-order Ellie's prescriptions, but have set up a nice cushion of time in order to allow the mail order service to run through the above scenario a couple of times over. I have a couple of changes to make now that Ellie is using a half-dose pen so the insulin order is technically a new one. Besides, it's Christmas week!  They will definitely need more time with the rush of the season, right?



I place the order pat myself on the back for a well thought out plan of action. 

The week progresses quickly as we pack up to leave and travel for 4 days.  I don't even bother checking the computer . . . I am on vacation, after all.

:: News Flash ::  Diabetes doesn't take a vacation. 

Thank goodness for boredom and the circumstances that lead me to hopping on the computer and checking the status of the order, because it was Christmas Eve morning and Ellie's insulin was on it's way to our front door.

We were in another state.

What?  How?  So soon?  No way!!!!!  AAARRRGGGGHH

So, I do what any other person would have done; I called my BFF and see if she can go over to the house, take the package home and put it in her fridge.

Except that wouldn't work because the package required a signature and we didn't know when, exactly, it would arrive. 

Hubby called FedEx and was told it may not even get delivered because it was such a busy delivery day (duh) and the insulin could possible be left to sit in the FedEx warehouse until Monday.  Which, since the package materials are temperature controlled, the shipper may determine them "useless" if not delivered that day.  Um, that's 3 months worth of insulin that could go to waste? 

Not acceptable.  I needed to save this insulin.

One last ditch effort was made and through the magic of online people searches as we located the telephone number of our next door neighbor's house.  I called and asked our neighbors to go and leave a note on the front door of our house requesting the FedEx delivery person go to their house to receive the package.

Not even 2 hours later our neighbor called to say the insulin was delivered, unpacked and safely stored in her fridge.  She did feel bad about having to lie to the FedEx guy, though.  Apparently he needed a signature from someone IN our house.  She told him she was feeding our cats (not true, a friend of Maddi's was doing that . . . . our neighbor doesn't even have a key!) and was going to go over in a little bit.  HeHe.  The FedEx guy gave her a wink and handed over the package.

Phew.  Crisis averted, insulin saved.

I assured my neighbor her lie was cancelled out by ensuring a cute little girl got her life-saving insulin.  She agreed.

Lessons learned?

1.  Never try to outwit the mail order pharmacy.

2.  Give my neighbor a key!

3.  Our FedEx man is an angel in disguise. 

wykbydb defined

A friend contacted my by email today asking where I came across the phrase "When you know better, you do better".  Huh.  I had to stop and think for a minute. (yes, I think occassionally)  While my brain cells were going through their recall synopses, I passed the time 'Googling' the phrase to see if it would spark a memory.

The first result was for Maya Angelou, who happens to be a favorite person of mine, but I knew I didn't get the phrase from her works.  The next reference to my favorite phrase was for Oprah Winfrey.  Ugh.  Yes I have gone through phases where I watched her show all the time, but then I got tired of her opinion and her thoughts on the matter and her good deeds.  Don't get me wrong; I do think Oprah is on the 'good side' of peoples, but I just think she has become too much of an empire.  My opinion.  Anyway, I had been using the phrase long before I started watching Oprah.

Moving on.  By now my mind had pulled up a scene from my youth.  A time in my teenage years where I was involved in some family therapy and individual therapy to deal with the changes in our family's structure.  Or, more clearly, divorce and the messiness that ensues.  I remember having trouble getting past some anger issues related to my mother's parenting decisions, when a therapist asked me: "Do you believe your mother would have chosen differently if she had known better?"  As in, maybe she was just doing the best with what she knew.  What she was taught be her parents.  

At first I thought "What a cop out! Where is the personal responsibility in that?"  Well, the failure lies in not searching out new information, not in believing what you are doing is right.  So, DO I believe my mother would have done better if she knew better?  Yes.  And no.  Both and neither.  
In all seriousness though, that is not the point.

The point is:  What does the phrase mean to ME.  (It's all about me, really)  For me; 'when I know better, I do better' means: 

• I will never stop searching for a better way

• I will believe in what I am doing at the time to be best for me and my family

• I will hold myself accountable for when I am being lazy or using 'I didn't know!' as a way to hold back change

• I will own my mistakes

Thank you for asking, Ames!  And, I PROMISE my next post will funny and light and airy and not so deep.

the post I haven't wanted to post

If you have a blog or a journal or a diary, I will venture to guess you have some entries you wrote in the past that you cringe over when reading today.  I have LOTS and LOTS of these kinds of entries, but am thankful for every last one of them because they help document my thoughts and beliefs at the time.  And, everybody say it out loud now, WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER YOU DO BETTER!

So, in order for me to move forward, I need to take a moment and go back to make peace with a few decisions I have made in the past.

FIRST:  Today marks 6 months since I have had a cigarette.  ::insert head hanging in shame::  This decision haunts me the most, because I DID know better, and kept the behavior the same because I was too weak to be without my crutch.  Too weak to believe I deserved better for myself.  Certainly I knew those around me deserved more than seeing their wife and mom do something dangerous.  And, of course I told my kids smoking was bad for you and bad for me and I would stop as soon as I could muster up the strength to do so. Even an email dated 02/06/08 from my daughter couldn't motivate me to quit.

"I was watching a show and they where talking about how bad smoking is for you and it has been bothering me .    madison'  


But I did save the email.  And, over time, I gathered up enough courage to say "enough".   WYKBYDB ....... even if it takes some time.



SECOND:  I wrote this post back on 10/14/09 about making school lunches on the cheap.  At the time, I was extremely proud of how I was being frugal and helping out our family budget by spending so little.  While I am still proud of being frugal, I am NOT so proud of what I was putting in those lunches:


     - store brand, preservative filled peanut butter and jelly
     - the cheapest 'wheat' bread I could find (which included a list of horribly long, chemically laded ingredients)
     - Jello.  Yes I made it, but the amount of sugar and food dyes are ridiculous.
     - potato chips which have no nutritional value
     - juice.  Kool-Aid people (store brand, of course).  Why wasn't I giving them water????


Ack.  Just plain 'ole Ack.  Now I spend at least double the amount of money on the kids' school lunches, but I am sending them off with MUCH healthier foods.  Granted, my intent was good then, and my intent is good now, but the difference makes me shudder.  WYKBYDB




THIRD:  Don't start what you can't finish ...... or at least don't blog about it.  My post(s) about 29 gifts in 29 days were well intended, but as I look back on those words I question my reason for wanting to share all the details.  Certainly I was receiving gifts just as quickly as I was giving them away ........ ::ding, ding::  this the point of the journey.  Now, however, I realize I should have taken that challenge in silence.  Leaving it off of the written page.  The meaning and purpose of the challenge was lost by the bragging that inevitably took place when telling someone else about your 'good deed'.  WYKBYDB




These are just a few of the things my mind has been stuck on righting.  Similar to Writer's Block ......... just as necessary to address so you can move on.


So, here I am now ......... moving on.

always there for you

The Bad News: I am not the new PTO President

The Good News:  I stayed true to myself

The Bad News:  I felt sorry enough for myself to go and get ice cream

The Good News:  I only ate 1/8 of the pint instead of the entire pint

The Bad News: The remaining 7/8 is sitting in my freezer, waiting for me to fall

The Good News:  I can get back up without the help of B & J

The Bad News:  My work is just beginning and I will fall so many times I will be bleeding and bruised

The Good News:  I will not now, nor ever be broken, for I am saved.

lunch

I love salads.  Love, lOve, loVe, lovE fresh green salads.  Now that we are focusing on real foods in our home,  I have a big bowl of salad most every day for lunch.  I like my salads to be as healthy and nutrient dense as they can be, often containing 3 types of greens.  I have grown quite fond of 'my salad', so when I am out of an ingredient I HAVE to run ot the store before I can continue to chop.  This happened today and I felt silly going to the store for 2 things, but since I cut up enough veggies for 3-4 days worth of salads, it was worth the effort. 

Okay, okay.  I know you are sitting on the edge of your seat waiting to hear what goes into my daily salad.  If you promise to oooooohhh and aaaaahhhh, I will tell you.

Always:

• Spinach
• Romaine
• Pre-mix bag of Brocolli slaw
• Green Onions

Sometimes:

• Red or Green Bell Peppers
• Other Mixed Greens when on sale

This mixture goes into a ziploc bag in the fridge veggie drawer.  When I am ready for lunch, I dump a large portion into my bowl and to that I add seseme seeds, feta or parmesan cheese and just enough blue cheese dressing to give it zip.  Too much and I have negated the health benefits of the veggies.  The dressing is an accessory ingredient not meant to take center stage.

The seseme seeds and cheese add the protein, so I usually don't add chicken or eggs to my mix.

There you have it.  My favorite salad.  It may not be the healthiest, highest protein or lowest calorie recipe, but I it is a far cry better than the leftovers or fast food I used to dine on for my midday meal.  WYKBYDB (When you know better you do better), right?

What do YOU love to have for lunch?

a public apology

To whom it may concern,

     To anyone who heard me say "Yes, I take my kids to McDonald's for Happy Meal Wednesday.  At $1.59 (then $1.69 and $1.89 over the last 2 years) it is cheaper to feed them at Micky D's than preparing a meal at home!"  I am sorry.  I apologize.  I was wwwwwwrong.  Because you didn't get the full story.
     What I didn't say was that I picked up a meal deal for myself and hubby, and often times Ben & Ellie asked for a Mighty Meal (regular price) while Maddi requested a snack wrap, fries and separate drink.  By the time it was said and done, the 'cheap' meal ended up costing us ~$25; blowing my theory of less expensive than a home cooked meal.
     I don't even want to talk about the amount of calories and fat we ingested.  But, hey .........the kids were happy about the new toy and I was happy because I didn't have to cook and hubby was happy because he didn't have to clean pots and pans.  Win-Win!
     Remember the saying "When you KNOW better you do BETTER, (WYKBYDB)"?  Well, I can not say I didn't know it was bad to feed your family fast food, but I honestly did believe it was cheaper and less stressful.  After watching Super Size Me, however, I must now DO better.
     Just last Friday I had a craving for McD's. (yes, even after watching 2/3 of the documentary ....... it's C-R-A-C-K I tell ya!)  I even grabbed my purse and was ready to head to our neighborhood dealer.  Somewhere along the drive I reminded myself about "WYKBYDB", made a detour and instead went to the grocery store to purchase ingredients for dinner ......... grilled boneless-skinless-chicken-breast, roasted asparagus, cantaloupe and strawberries.  patting myself on the back.
     Another decision I will be making tonight, thanks to WYKBYDB, is to opt out of taking the family to 'Wendy's Night'.  This once a month activity is designed to raise money for our school's PTO, with 10% of sales (from 5-8pm) given by Wendy's restaurant to Ben and Ellie's school.  We have participated every month since September, and have personally contributed about $13,  10% of our food tab for 7 months  Sure, Ben & Ellie love to go and eat with their friends, and I can select healthy choices from their menu, but then the kids wouldn't get their toy!  And don't forget the free balloons!  Oh, and the contest each class holds to earn a Frosty party if they raise the most money!
     So, tomorrow I will present our PTO with $1.90, while tonight we will stay at home, eating as a family, and enjoying a fresh homemade meal.  Sure I will have to cook and Dave will clean up, but I will fee better about the choices we made.


Sincerely,
Amy

Bart Simpson Chalkboard Generator

I am loving

These:

Hearty and sweet.  Excellent with a wedge of Laughing Cow Cheese

This Pair:

The scent is divine and the price is right

These:

Pinch bowls (think tiny) for cooking. 

what a difference

between a 'sick child' today, and a 'sick child' a year ago.


Ellie developed a fever late last night and, due to the school rules of being 24 hours fever free (without meds), I knew she would be staying home from school today.  I went to sleep concerned about my biddy girl, but completely calm in knowing I would be available to care for her the next day.  

A year ago this same scenario would have made my anxiety levels rise and caused my 'panic mode' to engage.  Why?  Because last year at this time I was working part-time outside the home.  I was employed at a place where, when I wasn't available to work, I needed to call and find a substitute for my classes.  In addition, I worked with small children and felt guilty knowing they were counting on me to be there.  I would be stressed out, frustrated, and definitely NOT focused on the important need right in front of me:  my sick child.

I like to remind myself of these scenarios when I am feeling guilty about choosing to stay at home even when all of my kids are full day students.  You see, I still do not fully embrace the idea that being a mom, in the capacity I desire, requires me to have a job which does not supply income.  Somehow all of the definitions of the word 'job' or 'career' never include 'no salary.'  Those words apply to volunteer and parent help.  So, I have to sacrifice salary to have the opportunity to be involved in my children's lives ....... at least in the way I have defined for myself in my own self-created job description.

A reminder today to be grateful for the opportunity to care for my baby girl, without worry of letting someone else down or not fulfilling another duty.  This is TOTALLY enough for me and I am just finally getting to the point where I can embrace it, rather than feel guilty about not contributing to our family's finances.

POTD:  27/365

Now, if your will excuse me, I must go and find a spot somewhere on that couch where I can get in a little snuggle or two.

fresh starts

What do you think of my new look for this space? I followed a Picasa tutorial and made up my own header. Fresh start for 2010!

Oh, and I am just going to pretend I haven't been M.I.A. from here since mid-November. I will just begin again, Finnegan. Fresh start for 2010!

I did not complete my goal of 29 gifts in 29 days, as the holiday season sneaked up behind me and smacked me upside the head. WooWee, 3 kiddos in school (activities, parties, concerts) equals one busy season. Fresh start for 2010!

Recap For the Holiday Season:

The holidays were fantastic and once again, I am happy to report we survived it all without any loss of limbs. The weather welcomed winter with over 25 inches of snow, giving us a truly White Christmas. Dave and I have spent many moments together clearing paths for our cars, mailman and sidewalk-using companions. Couples who shovel together, stay together!

Fate brought us a new 'fur' member to the family on December 15th. Dave went out to the garage for something and he heard a loud wail coming from under his workbench. Hoping it was a kitten and not a possum, Dave stuck his tuna-smeared hand under the bench. Something latched on to Dave's finger with it's sharp little teeth and allowed itself to be 'pulled' to safety. Dave walked in the house with a little grey and white kitten wrapped up in a towel, thank goodness not a possum. The children immediately shrieked, "Oh, it is soooooo cute ........ can we keep it, Mom?" I whisked the scrappy little thing from hubby's hands, grabbed the heating pad and snuggled up deep in blankets on the couch. Two hours and one warmed up kitty later, Alice officially became a member of the family. We love her and she loves us, but our 17 year old cat, George, is not feeling the same sense of adoration and warm fuzzies.

I mean, really. How can you not love this face?!

My final update for the day will be telling you about my newest blog goal. I seem to operate best when under the pressure cooker of a deadline. This one is going to like a slow pressure cooker ........ all year long, in fact. I just know I will be so happy when I am sitting at my computer the first of January of next year and get to go through my COMPLETED project and ooooh and awwww over the fantasticness of it. Ready?

Project Life: 365 photos, one taken every day during 2010.

I cannot remember where I first read about the project/concept, although it was probably Blue Bird Baby minus the 'self portrait' part of the deal. Then I found Becky Higgins and her Project Life kit to go take your 365 photos and actually DO something fun with the results. I have yet to purchase the kit, as I want to see how far I get through the year before committing to a purchase; not that I don't have complete and utter faith in myself to complete the 365 days of life photos. Nope, I'm gonna make it happen. This challenge is right up my alley. I even put a separate link in my sidebar so you can follow along with my progress. Because I am NOT going to blog everyday, for like 365 days in a row. Nuh, uh. Too big of a commitment. I WILL take a photo everyday, but I give myself permission to save up a few days and post them all at once. I pinkie swear I won't cheat and take several photos in one harried moment, post them and then pretend I took one each day. No cheating. Period.

My fingers are now frozen because the computer is in the basement and our basement is cold because the temperature outside is -4 degrees. So I will sign off with: Fresh start for 2010!

lists

Growing up, my mom was the queen of lists:

• Grocery lists, Meal Planning lists, Saturday Morning Cleaning lists, Gift lists, Daily To Do lists, Packing-Bags-For-A-Trip lists, Chore lists, New Clothes for School lists, on and on and on.

As I got older I, too, made lists. Not as many lists as my mom, and certainly not in her nice handwriting, but lists nonetheless. I felt good when I would write the the list (all organized, sub-categorized, color coded) but would soon feel a knot in my stomach as I looked at the finished list. Do I have to do it in that exact order? What If I need to add something to the list and I don't put it in the right category? What if I don't complete the things on the list in time? What do I do with the things on the list left over - transfer to another list? Or, heaven forbid I LOSE the list. I might as well just curl up in a ball and weep ........ the day is ruined.

I am embarrassed to say it has taken me years as an adult to let go of The Lists. Yes, they have their place and can be a great organizing tool, but they are also very intimidating ...... for me. Isn't it time I grow up and not allow inanimate objects to hold me back? My mind is constantly creating ideas of things to do, but I am finally realizing I don't get half of them done because I set those ideas to pen and paper, in a list, and I loose inspiration.

What if I stop writing lists? Will the earth tip off it's axis and implode? Will I ever accomplish anything if I don't have a list in hand? No ....... then Yes.

Oh, how the brain imprints what we see as a child and then interprets as something we have to do as an adult. The benefit of being an adult, however, is we get to decide how we want to live. The reason we fall back on 'what we know' is because we haven't made an ACTIVE decision to behave otherwise.

Well, I am making an ACTIVE decision to not make lists. Yep ........ no more lists to tie me down!

So how will I get the information from my thoughts to reality? Free-form writing. Just like back in creative writing class. Remember? You take a blank sheet of paper and just start writing ideas ...... free form ...... in no order ...... random. So much nicer to look at, in my opinion. I can use colors, drawings, different papers, the computer, make collages, basically whatever I feel will inspire me to move forward.

Like taking a deep breath and letting go of something holding you back. Who knew it could be something so simple as a list?!?!?!

Using randomness to create order

back to edit SEVERAL typos and missed words. Yikes!

gifts

I love receiving gifts. I love picking out gifts for others. The only negative to a gift is if the giver does so with ulterior motives ........ something other than the pure joy of letting someone know you have been thinking of them. The receiver of a gift has a job as well; to accept with gratitude.

In the last 24 hours, I have been handed 2 gifts. One I have prayed for and one spontaneous.

Madison gave me the first gift last night. She was having trouble sleeping and came up the stairs to my bedroom. As she opened the door, I knew something was troubling her, and Dave must have sensed it also. Dave offered to allow Maddi to snuggle in with me for the night while he took her bed in the basement. He knows I have been struggling with open conversation with Maddi and I think he knew if he left us, she would start talking. It was instant ....... it was truthful ....... it was my daughter delivering the gift I prayed for. Simply, she felt safe enough to talk to me and have a conversation about how she was feeling rather than how she was doing. All parents know the difference, right? I listened carefully and advised when prompted. No concerns out of the ordinary for an 11 year old starting middle school and dealing with the confusing mixture of hormones no longer dormant. Just a girl, her mom and some meaningful conversations about life. Thank you Madison for the gift I have been praying for.

The second gift arrived this morning, without warning or forethought. I was hustling the kids along this dreary morning and was just out the door when Ellie announced her tummy hurt. Ellie uses this malady often when she is nervous about something or needs to grab your attention in order to get some attention for herself. I tried to remain calm and in the moment, but my thoughts flashed to: "Really Today? Thursday is my busy day! Can't we do this tomorrow?" I actually DID ask her if she would be willing to take a personal day on Friday in turn for going to school today. No dice. Ellie needed me today ..... now ...... not when it was convenient for me.

I took a deep breath and drove right through the school drop-off lane. Back at home, I first explained to Ellie I would spend some time with her today, talk her through her anxieties and just 'be' with her. I did stress we couldn't do this everyday, and school is important, but knowing you need me is equally as important.

Today has been wonderful. Spending some quiet time just going from one thing to the next. Thank you Ellie for the gift I didn't know I needed.

not again

I have several lists of 'things I want to do/try/make/read'. I was thinking it might be a good idea to create a list of things I will NOT do, whether it be again or ever.

1. Wash my hair with baking soda, then rinse with apple cider vinegar. I tried this 3 times last week and finally gave up on the idea since my hair was not only very dry, but also smelled like vinegar anytime I worked up a sweat.
2. Have a garage sale. I'm fairly certain if you searched the archives I have made myself perfectly clear on this topic.
3. Commit to a cleaning schedule. I must be in the mood to clean, and so far in my 36 years of life I have yet to control my moods. I simply cannot predict when the cleaning mood will strike, so let's just dump the schedule and toss the accompanying guilt.
4. Yodeling. Yes, I have tried and no, I will not try again.
5. Wear a white shirt. I am a stain magnet, so why test it and ruin a perfectly good white shirt?
6. Eat foods that smell bad. Doesn't your olfactory system tie directly in to your taste bud system? Again, why test it?
7. Wear uncomfortable shoes. When I was younger it was worth the discomfort and blisters in order to sport a pair of cute shoes. Now? Not so much.
8. Pour an entire bottle of saline solution in EACH nostril ....... while hanging my head upside down from the couch. Sounded like a good idea at the time?
9. Chemistry.
10. Say to my hubby .... "Hey, let's build a compost bin and fill it with all sorts of rotten food matter and stinky plant matter. Then let's count the number of flies each time we have to add something to the compost bin." Yeah, not going there again.
    

let us just forget

Let us just forget:

• ...... I haven't written a new post in 15 days

• ...... I promised myself I would have more time for quiet thoughts now the kids are in school

• ...... All of the house cleaning and schedule I told myself I would keep up on (NOT MY HOUSE; but a nice reminder it could be if I don't implement my plan
  

• ...... I considered baking a new type of cookie each week for the kiddos, then reconsidered due to the 1000's of extra calories
  

Let us just remember:

• ...... I wanted to make a blanket for my new niece (hopefully not arriving until November 3rd) and, here it is!

• ...... I had plans to make my mother-in-law some more grocery bags, and, viola!

• ...... Babies are the best thing in the whole wide world; especially when they are named Freddy and are related to you (nephew)

• Those who lost and gave their lives on September 11, 2001

secrets

Permanent link to this comic: http://xkcd.com/46/

I have a secret to tell. If I tell it to you, you have to pinkie swear to not laugh at me when you see me in Target. If I tell it to you and you have a secret to share, I hope you share it with someone today. You see, telling your own secrets is liberating and will send a happy tingle down your spine.

Last night something miraculous happened. Something of the likes which has not occurred since the birth of my third child, five years ago:

Everyone in my house slept in their own bed.

Take a breath and just sit with that sentence. Okay?

Madison slept in her newly completed bedroom in the basement.
Ellie slept in her own room alone in her own bed.
Benjamin slept alone for the first time since he was born, in his own room, in his own bed.
Dave and I slept together in our room with the door closed.

For 1 hour.

Then, Dave's snoring kicked me to the couch. His C-Pap machine is in for repairs and without it I am unable to slumber through the rumbles. At 2:30am, Ellie awoke to the lightening and thunderstorm show and ended up in my, now cold, spot in the bed. But, we did it and I am thrilled.

I have been dreaming of this sleeping arrangement for many years, and admit I have been quite shameful to admit to anyone how our family sleeps at night. Up until now, Madison slept in her bed or in the recliner, depending on when she fell asleep.

Ellie rarely makes it a full night without waking up with 'nightmares' and finds someone to snuggle into bed with. She does, at least, start the night out in her own bed without too much of a fuss.

Ben has slept with me since the moment he was born. At first it was to save my sanity. Anyone who has breastfed an infant will know the lengths we go to for extra sleep. Having your baby tucked in beside you and being able to roll over and feed him when he just starts to wake up is a sanity saver. And, Ben is a major snuggler. Her has always searched for the warmth of a body to sooth and calm him. When Ben was weaned, we just continued our strange sleeping habits because it. was. working.

I am a firm believer in doing what works. NOT what works for you, or your neighbor, or the well meaning aunt once-removed. Sleep is very important to the members of my home and we will do almost anything to ensure a full night of zzzzzzzz's.

Why now? Because I felt it was time to make the change. Time to gently teach Ben how to trust himself and seek his own strength for comfort ......... but with his door open and the hallway light on.

Why now? Because it is high time my husband and I get back to snuggling up and talking or not talking and just simply sharing uninterrupted time together as the day comes to an end. Because I miss having my buddy right there next to me. Because it was time.

Why tell? Because it feels good to take a deep breath, write it all out and document how I felt when it all happened.

Now, go tell someone a secret ......... you'll feel so much better for it.

Sweet Dreams!